The subtle tyrannies of long term relationships – Part 5
When is a chair not a chair?
It’s lunch time. My partner and I are sat at the table in the kitchen.
I’m eating my lunch. Shes playing a game on her iPad.
”I’m going to make an order tomorrow for a beach tent to take on the holiday with us!” I say enthusiastically.
She doesn’t react. She ignores me totally, as if she didn’t hear.
”When it arrives, I’ll test it out in the garden first I think. Make sure its good.”
She doesn’t react. A few minutes of silence go by.
“Maybe we should test out one of the chairs you got too?”
”They aren’t chairs” she says. Kind of angry, like I’m saying something really stupid. Or like she really wants an argument.
I sigh. I pause. “What word should I use then?” I ask.
”I don’t know. You tell me?”
What do I do with this? The information I was giving, or the suggestion, is being ignored, for the sake of pointing out a word I used to label an object was wrong. And when I ask what it should be, I’m invited to provide my own answer.
”Well I don’t know” I say, “I don’t think it….” - I’m cut off, as usual
”But they don’t have a bottom part? Only a back part? You don’t sit on them? You lie on them? It’s not a chair.”
”ok, well” - I’m cut off again..
”We have a word for them, I don’t know what you call them.” Shes referring to Spanish.
”Well, whats the word in Spanish?” I ask.
It sounds like no word in English.
”ok, well” - I’m cut off for a third time…
”I don’t know but it’s not a chair, it isn’t”
We’re talking about the STRANDÖN beach lounger from Ikea, which looks a bit like this:-
Ikea call it a “lounger”
Is a lounger a chair? A type of chair? Is it a bed? Is it a chaise lounge?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, it’s irrelevant to the question I was asking.
Does it really matter whether you call this a chair, lounger, recliner, bed, or Steve-fucking-jobs ? Is that particularly relevant to the discussion?
If not, why react like this?
I’m deflated. The emotional energy it takes to respond to this is more than it’s worth.
If you are thinking - “well, shes just in a bad mood today probably” or “she didn’t want to talk, she was playing a game. ” Or if this sounds like a very minor thing, you are right. Maybe in all cases.
Except this is a daily situation.
The knee jerk reaction to almost everything , is to disagree, disapprove, dismiss or prove incorrectness. It’s the most important thing. It’s more important to try and start a debate over the name of an object, rather than to debate the activity being spoken about. Or ask why. Or ask when.
And yes, each time is minor and doesn’t matter. Don’t be sensitive.
But after nearly 13 years of this, almost every day, it starts to wear you down.
I’m taken back to the most egregious example of it from about 6 years ago, when I pointed out a house next to a road we were on and noted “that’s a nice house.”
”That’s not a house” came the reply “it’s a big house.”
What IS the difference between a house and a big house? Is a big house, not still a house?
That’s the level of desperation sometimes to make what I’m saying “wrong.”
I have to be “wrong” ALL the time.
It’s not abuse remember. Because it’s a woman doing it. Worst case, it’s “nagging.” But it can be never anything more than this. It can’t be her fault. Either there is nothing wrong, or if there is, I must be in some way to blame. Because I’m a man. I’m an oppressor.
It’s not abuse.
But it is control. It’s the need to be in control. Of emotional states. Of reality. To have me on the back foot constantly. To demand I come up with ideas and do things - but then dismiss, minimize, put down and disapprove if I do.
Relationships are like this. This is what they do to you.